Every marriage and relationship goes through a trying time at one time or the other, but the way that period is managed, will determine if the trials will make the couple stronger or break them.
I will be sharing with you, some vital truth that will help you manage, avoid crisis that gradually lead to divorce or break up in a relationship. And enhance the peace you desire in your home, life and relationship.
1. Learning to talk right:
Most of the troubles we face in our marriages and relationship comes as result of words that was not properly spoken.
Words are majorly our medium of expression; we use words to express our likes and dislikes.
Though there are other medium of expression that are usually not as harmful as words when used wrongly in a relationship.
You can be angry with your spouse and you walk pass them without speaking a word, you can even keep mute for a whole day, it will not be as harmful as walking pass him or her and sighing or say “you are a stupid man or woman”.
If you want to avoid marital troubles or desire to drive your relationship to a successful end, you must learn to talk right
Right words are the most important success secrets to any relationship, because every relationship came into existence as a result of spoken words, and it will only take right words to be established, and be sustained.
The relationship between man and God was initiated by words. “Let us make man in our own image and likeness” (Gen1: 26) “With the heart man believe unto salvation with the mouth confession is made” man have to confess his acceptance of God.
Also, the relationship between a man and woman also come through words. When a man wants to woo a woman he approaches her with words, when she wants to accepts his proposal, it usually through spoken or written words. When exchanging marital vows it usually through spoken words.
For your relationship, life and all you do to prosper; you are going to learn how to use words properly. As human when you understand the power of words you will live a prosperous and a peaceful life.
The first job God gave a man after creating him was a talking job; his assignment in the garden was done through speaking into things. It was the words of Adam that formed the personality of every beast of the field. It was Adam’s imagination of a lion that the lion became and all other beast.
If you know how to talk, you will succeed in whatever you do on planet earth. Right words will put money in your pocket, win your spouse heart, earn you respect before people and make you God’s favourite.
God has not change the tool given to man to work things out since creation.
Words are the most power force on earth; it can create any thing and can break any thing.
Jesus came to the earth apart from dying for our sin; He also came to teach us to talk right.
“As they pass by in the morning, they saw the fig tree withered away to its roots and Peter remember and said to Him, rabbi, look the fig tree that you curses had withered and Jesus answered them, have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever say to this mountain, be taken up and thrown into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass; it will be done for him”.
But, the problem is, we only learn to speak positive words in religious places; when it comes to our relationship, we talk anyhow, as soon as we are angry.
Learn not to be quick to speak negative words, when issues come up in your marriage do not say, am tired of this marriage; or it over, that word hurt your spouse more than you can imagine, it have a way of making the other person tired also.
Never talk in such a manner while thinking it will make your spouse sit up and start doing things right, it only make them start preparing their heart consciously and unconsciously looking for alternative. Human was designed that way, for instance you are trying to shed some weight, and choose to starve your body, when next food comes into your body, it will store some, preparing for the next starvation; now instead of shedding weight you might end up adding .
That is exactly what wrong statement does to any relationship; it prepares your spouse heart for alternative and makes their heart far from you.
If you say to your spouse “you are a fool” your words says so, the person will behave foolishly.
You can give someone a gift or anything, and change your mind about it, come back and take it back, but you can never take back wrong words once spoken, even if you have change your mind about it.
One of the ways to manage crisis in relationship is to manage what to say during crisis.
It is very tempting to speak wrong when we are angry, but deliberately learn to manage it, even if you have no settlement in view.
A lot of single people of marriageable age would have been married today, if not because of inability to manage words when their relationship was going through crisis.
Do not tell people things that they can hardly forget, or not easy to forgive because you are hurt. There is a recent news on CNN that happened in United Kingdom; a lady poured acid on another because she called her “ugly” years ago. That is how powerful the force of words could be, it has the ability to stay, create both positive and negative things.
Some couples are still married but the negative words that were spoken in the past had pulled them apart. Learn to control what you say during crisis, wrong words have the power to create separation.
Right words will work any marriage or relationship. There is only two ways to make any marriage a continuous honey moon, talk right and act right. As cheap as that may sound, it takes a lot of conscious effort and commitment to do, but if you consciously work your way into doing it, and correct yourself each time you make mistakes, you will have a peaceful and enjoy marriage.
Proverbs says “ Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones” in my own words I say, pleasant words are health to any relationship, strengthens your bond, and bring the best out of your spouse.
Each time you hear marriage failure, it actually attitude failure and words failure that bring about marriage failure, marriage is an attitude test.
James Says “for we all stumble in many ways, and if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle his whole body. so also a tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!’”
If you learn to speak perfect words, your marriage and relationship will not stubble into trouble.
Just like small fire can burn down a whole forest so also little wrong statement here and there can be deadly to any relationship and marriage.
If you desire a peaceful and enjoyable marriage, you have to deliberately choose to speak right words.
Be polite when talking with your spouse; make sure you are not disrespectful in your words. Because every wrong words you speak to your spouse have the ability to take them further from you.
Your words can create your desired home and relationship.
WAYS TO LEARN TO SPEAK RIGHT
(a) Think right about your spouse; you are what you think about, you cannot replay the wrong of your spouse in your heart all day, and expect to speak pleasant word to him. Speaking right words start from thinking right about your spouse. Never meditate on your spouse wrong, you will be push to speak wrong words to them.
“Out of the abundance of the heart the month will speak” learns to push your spouse wrong from your heart; it will help your month to speak right words
(b) Learn to overlook some of his or she wrong.
(c) Learn to speak inwardly when you cannot control the urge to speak. This is a great relief method when you are tempted to speak out with anger, instead of saying it to his or her hearing that will further cause more problems, speak it inwardly, it is like a relief pill, you will feel as though you have spoken but, no body heard anything.
Remember when you were little, if you grow up in the kind of environment like I did, when your older once will beat you and you know you cannot talk back at them, to avoid more problems, you will grumble and speak words inwardly as though you told them and that gives you some kind of relief. This method will help a beginner until they gain total control of their words
(d) Always remember every wrong word you speak to your partner hurt them and could drag them farther from you. Have this consciousness will help you to control what you say to your spouse and how you say them.
2. Do not tell too many people:
There are couples that are divorce now that could have still been together if only they manage their crisis period well and kept something’s to them self.
The worst thing to do when your marriage or relationship is going through crisis is to start talking about your issue to friends and family. If the both people involve cannot seat down and talk over their problems and make amends, they should look for a good marriage and relationship counselor that can help resolve their misunderstanding. In most cases, instead of the people you talked your problems with to help you sort out your issues, they help end the relationship.
The first and the best person you should learn to talk to, when you are going through any crisis should be the Holy Spirit. He lives within your spirit. He is so close that He knows your thought without even speaking it, but He does not intrude on any of your issues except He is invited.
The Holy Spirit, is a person that lives within you, He know all the answers to your questions, He knows what you are suppose to do that will bring peace to your crisis and can help you remove your wrong from your spouse heart if that is what will bring the peace you desire.
This has work for me severally, on one of those occasions, I had a little argument with my husband, and during the course of the argument I said a wrong word, he was so surprise at me to the point that he could not say a word, I was completely at fault. As he walked out of the house, I knew the only one that can help me resolve that issue was God, so I prayed and ask God to forgive me for talking to the authority he placed over me that way and I also asked him to send my angels to remove my wrong from his heart. And God did just that for me. We never talk about that issue again. The word am sorry could not have resolve that issue without putting a strain on our relationship
The reason for divorce here and there is because of lack of closeness with God, do not mistake a lot of church activities for closeness, people attend religious activities more these days, but are even farther from God.
Jesus promise you peace, and peace He will give you in every aspect of your life, if you let Him “He says come to me all you that had labored in relationship without success, in marriage where there is crisis, and I will give you rest”
God lives in you so you are close enough to always reach him. Some marriages could have still been together today, if they had reach out for the closest help.
When you are going through crisis in your marriage, family is the worse people to tell, as far as they are concerned that man or woman is a stranger to them, so their advice and contributions is always based on sentiments. Learn to manage the information of your relationship discreetly
There are things you will tell your family about your spouse, even if you forgive your husband or wife, your family will refuse to forgive them.
3. Forgive your partner wrong:
Marriage is a game of forgiveness, if you are not ready to constantly play that game, do not even think of marriage. Your spouse will offend you more than anyone else in the world, but you have to learn to forgive and take every day as a fresh one.
Un-forgiveness is the greatest threat of marital harmony and peace. It brings division to your home and makes it impossible to calm the storm of crisis.
Some marriages had gone down because of un-forgiveness, it Satan strategy to prevent you from allowing the Holy Spirit to bring healing to your home and relationship.
Stop meditating on the wrong your spouse or someone else had cause you, it will not add to you but remove from you.
Un-forgiveness is the reason some singles are still unmarried till date, they had hold in their heart an EX that had hurt them, they get into another relationship and become too careful and also refuse to open their heart forgetting every relationship is a new opportunity to sell their quality. Do not shut down some of your good character or qualities simply because the other person did not appreciate it. Also unforgiveness can prevent God from intervening in your life to bring you own spouse.
Learn to always forgive, you cannot control people from hurting you, but you can control their hurt from hunting your life and destiny.
One of the key to happiness is learning to dust off all the negative things you go through in your day instantly.
Someone says nasty things to you, dust it off on the same day. Your boss talk to you in a manner you do not like, push it off from your heart, to the point that even if you remember the following day, it no longer hurt you.
If you can learn this principle you become healthy, prosperous and a happy person.
(Eph 4:27-28) “Be angry but do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil”
Be angry but do not sin, when someone hurt you, you will be angry at first and God understand that, but it turns to sin when it stays in your heart more than a day and that will give opportunity to satan to steal from you.
When you see any marriage where there is un-forgiveness, crisis is always a part of that family because; un-forgiveness had given opportunity to Satan to steal the peace in that home. Do not give a place to satan in your life, that he had lost.
Forgiveness will help you manage crisis in marriage, and you will come out unhurt.
4. Pray the Holy Spirit to bring healing:
God has the ability to heal your physical body, so is your emotions. God can calm any storm in your relationship and your home.
A lady who lives in Europe read my article on Face book on “how to be a choice spouse”, before she came across that wisdom piece, she thought there was no point staying in her marriage, she concluded it was over, but when she was reading that article on the second point that says learn to go out of your way for others, she decided to go out of her way for her husband. God’s word can calm any storm. That is one way to calm storm, reading inspired words from the Holy Spirit; another strong way is through prayers; i.e. “God help me to calm the storm in my marriage” if another woman, is trying to take over your man pray, Lord Jesus; I uproot every stranger among my member.
You and your spouse is one flesh, so if any other person is trying to join your flesh, you have the right to remove that person by prayers, and God will honor your prayers.
Maintain a constant prayer life to avoid crisis in your life, marriage, business and relationship, a praying person is a growing person.
Create time to communicate with God, you can actually be having your bath and be praying, you can drive and pray, walk on the street and pray.
God says to you “pray always” talk to me always. The thing about constant prayer life is, it helps you to be far from sin.
When you know you will come back in the evening to have a conversation with me, you will not insult me in the morning or send me a nasty text message in the afternoon.
Prayers are sure way to managing crisis in your marriage; it allows the Holy Spirit to bring healing to your heart and your spouse heart when you hurt them.
5. Know your spouse is only human:
One of the ways to manage crisis is for you to recognize your spouse weakness and that they are human and that they are bound to make mistake, it only God that is always right. That is why you have to learn to be close to the God that lives within you; it only with constant fellowship with him you can limit your human mistake. When you learn to see your spouse as human that cannot always be right, you will learn to overlook his or her wrong when they come because you too do make mistake.
Also know they will outgrow their mistakes. There are things you use to do ten years ago, that you will not think of doing now; so will your spouse be in no time from now. Learn to be patient with your spouse. If you have ever changed any habit in your life, they too will change.
6. Understanding your spouse
For you to enjoy a successful relationship with your spouse, you have to learn to understand them
Understanding the person you are dealing with in any relationship help you to cope with them
A lot of people are having an unbearable relationship not because they have a horrible spouse but because of lack of understanding of their spouse. There is no body you cannot live with if you try to understand them.
Understanding your spouse background will help you be more tolerable with him or her.
I counselled a lady that had a husband that could not do without paid sex, looking at his other side he was such a nice person.
Looking close to his background, it was observed that while he was growing up there was a motel just next building to his house.
Right from his formative years, he watched the people he respected go to the motel and pay for sex and he started practicing that lifestyle from a young age. Helping that lady to understand her husband’s background, encourage her to stay and help him overcome his addict.
If your partner behaves in a certain way that you hate, your first choice should not be to leave them, but to try and understand why they behave in that particular way and helping them out.
And bear in mind that, nobody can completely change an attitude over night, it will take time. It takes time to learn a habit and also takes same time or longer to go out of it.